Do We Really Know Our Children?

Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding responsibilities in life. It is natural for parents to feel they know their children intimately—their likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, and future aspirations. After all, parents are the first people to witness their children’s development from infancy to adulthood. However, the question that arises is: Do we really know our children as well as we think we do? The answer is often more complex than expected.

Understanding children, particularly in their formative years, goes beyond recognizing surface-level behaviours or preferences. True understanding requires insight into their emotional, psychological, and developmental needs. Recent research suggests that there is often a gap between what parents think they know about their children and their children’s actual inner experiences. This article delves into the challenges of truly understanding our children, the factors that contribute to parental misjudgements, and what parents can do to bridge this gap.

1. The Illusion of Knowing: Parental Bias and Assumptions

One of the primary reasons parents often feel they know their children well is due to a cognitive bias known as the “illusion of transparency.” This bias leads people to believe that they understand the thoughts, emotions, and intentions of others better than they actually do. For parents, this can result in an overconfidence in their ability to interpret their children’s needs and feelings.

Research Evidence:
A study published in the journal Developmental Psychology found that parents tend to overestimate their knowledge of their children’s emotional states. The researchers discovered that parents, particularly during the adolescent years, were frequently unaware of the intensity of their children’s emotional distress or anxiety levels. Despite their closeness to their children, many parents failed to recognize signs of psychological struggles, which highlights the limitations of relying solely on intuition or familiarity.

Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, an expert on adolescent development, explains:
“Parents can miss subtle cues about what their children are going through. Adolescents, in particular, may hide their true feelings as they navigate independence and self-identity.”

This assumption of knowing, coupled with the lack of open communication, can widen the emotional gap between parents and children, leaving parents surprised when they eventually realize they don’t have the full picture.

2. The Changing Dynamics of Childhood and Adolescence

Children are not static; they are constantly evolving in response to the world around them. As children grow into adolescence, they begin to establish their own identities, often apart from their parents’ perceptions. This dynamic shift in identity can be confusing for parents, who may continue to see their children in the context of earlier developmental stages.

Developmental Shifts:
During adolescence, children undergo significant changes in terms of cognitive, emotional, and social development. They are more influenced by peer relationships, media, and culture. Adolescents often prefer autonomy and privacy, leading them to share less with their parents. For example, a teenager may start to adopt new behaviours, interests, or values that contrast with their earlier years, leaving parents feeling disconnected.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a leading developmental psychologist, emphasizes that:
“Adolescence is a period of rapid change, and parents who don’t adjust their understanding of their children during this time may find themselves out of sync with their children’s experiences.”
This underscores the importance of remaining adaptable and aware as parents, recognizing that their children’s personalities and perspectives can shift as they mature.

3. The Role of Technology and Social Media

One of the major factors affecting parental understanding in today’s world is technology, particularly social media. Many parents did not grow up with the same digital environment that their children are navigating, which often leads to a generational divide. The digital world plays a huge role in shaping children’s social interactions, self-esteem, and worldview. Parents may not always be aware of the pressures their children face online, whether it’s dealing with cyberbullying, maintaining a certain image, or being exposed to unrealistic standards.

Research on Social Media Impact:
Studies have shown that social media can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety in young people. A 2019 study conducted by the Royal Society for Public Health found that platforms like Instagram and Snapchat contributed to higher levels of mental health issues, especially among teenage girls. Despite this, many parents underestimate the influence that online platforms have on their children’s mental and emotional health.

While some parents may restrict screen time or limit their children’s access to certain apps, the underlying emotional experiences children have online are often left unexplored. To truly know their children, parents must engage in open conversations about their online experiences and the impact it has on their mental well-being.

4. Parental Expectations vs. Children’s Realities

Parental expectations are often influenced by cultural, societal, or personal beliefs. Parents may have certain aspirations for their children—whether it’s academic success, a particular career path, or a specific moral or behavioural standard. However, these expectations can sometimes clash with the children’s authentic desires and capabilities.

The Influence of Expectations:
Research by psychologist Carol Dweck, known for her work on the growth mindset, suggests that parents’ expectations can either support or hinder a child’s development. When parents impose fixed expectations, such as believing their child is naturally “good” or “bad” at something, it can lead to a limited understanding of the child’s potential. On the other hand, when parents adopt a growth mindset—believing in their child’s capacity for learning and improvement—they are more likely to foster an environment of support and understanding.

Example:
A parent might assume that their child is naturally talented in mathematics and expect them to pursue a STEM career. However, the child may have a genuine interest in the arts, but they may not feel comfortable sharing this passion due to fear of disappointing their parents. This dissonance between parental expectations and children’s realities can lead to frustration, stress, and emotional distance.

5. Understanding Emotional and Psychological Needs

Another area where parents may misjudge their children is in understanding their emotional and psychological needs. Children, particularly during adolescence, often experience emotional turbulence. While parents may see their children as happy and well-adjusted, they may be unaware of underlying struggles such as anxiety, depression, or self-doubt.

Mental Health Statistics:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 10-20% of adolescents globally experience mental health conditions, yet many of these issues go undiagnosed and untreated. In India, the National Mental Health Survey revealed that one in five adolescents suffers from depression or anxiety, and many parents are either unaware or unsure of how to address these concerns.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel highlights the importance of understanding emotional needs, stating:
“Children often feel pressure to meet their parents’ expectations, and when they fall short, they may experience feelings of inadequacy and isolation. Parents must be attuned to their children’s emotional world, not just their outward achievements.”

This points to the need for parents to create a safe space where children can express their emotions without fear of judgment or reprisal.

6. Communication: The Key to Understanding

Effective communication is the cornerstone of truly knowing our children. However, communication between parents and children can often become strained, especially during adolescence. Many children report feeling misunderstood by their parents, while parents may feel frustrated by their children’s lack of openness.

Open vs. Closed Communication:
A study published in Child Development found that children who experience open, supportive communication with their parents are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings. This, in turn, fosters a deeper understanding between parent and child. Conversely, when communication is closed or overly critical, children are less likely to express themselves, leading to a disconnect.

Example:
A child may be struggling with peer pressure or bullying at school but may not feel comfortable discussing these issues if their parents are dismissive or overly authoritative. In such cases, open-ended questions and empathetic listening can encourage children to share more about their lives, allowing parents to gain a better understanding of their inner world.

7. Cultural Influences on Parenting in India

In India, cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping parent-child relationships. Traditional values, such as respect for authority, family honour, and academic success, can influence how parents perceive their children’s needs. These cultural norms can sometimes create a barrier to open communication, as children may fear disappointing their parents or going against family expectations.

Research on Indian Parenting Styles:
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that Indian parents tend to adopt an authoritarian style of parenting, which is characterized by high expectations and strict discipline. While this style can lead to high academic achievement, it may also stifle emotional expression and individuality in children.

Parenting expert Dr. Shefali Tsabary, who specializes in mindful parenting, notes:
“In cultures where authority and discipline are emphasized, children may suppress their true feelings to avoid conflict. This can create a disconnect between parents and children, making it difficult for parents to truly know their children’s needs and desires.”

8. Bridging the Gap: What Can Parents Do?

Knowing our children is not about having all the answers but about creating an environment where children feel seen, heard, and understood. To bridge the gap between what parents think they know and their children’s actual experiences, parents can take several important steps.

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to what your children say and how they say it. Listen without interrupting or offering solutions immediately.
• Create a Judgment-Free Zone: Encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism. This fosters open communication and trust.
• Be Adaptable: Understand that your children’s interests, needs, and behaviours will evolve over time. Be open to adjusting your expectations and parenting strategies accordingly.
• Engage in Their World: Take an active interest in your children’s hobbies, friends, and online activities. This can help you understand their perspective and the challenges they face.
• Prioritize Mental Health: Stay attuned to signs of emotional distress and seek professional help if needed. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

Truly knowing our children requires effort, empathy, and ongoing communication. While parents may feel they have a deep understanding of their children, the complexities of childhood and adolescence often challenge this perception. By fostering open communication, adapting to their children’s evolving identities, and being attuned to their emotional needs, parents can deepen their understanding and connection with their children. Ultimately, knowing our children means being willing to learn from them, grow with them, and support them on their unique journey into adulthood.