As a parent of a teenager, you’ve most likely watched your child struggle with self-doubt or hesitation in some area of their life. Whether it’s speaking up in class, trying out for a sports team, or navigating friendships, these experiences can be both challenging and essential for growth. One of the most critical ways you can support your teen during these formative years is by helping them understand the importance of seeking advice rather than feedback. This subtle shift can lead to transformative changes in their development, resilience, and long-term success.
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Understanding the Difference: Feedback vs. Advice
The distinction between feedback and advice may seem small, but it carries significant implications. Feedback generally focuses on how well someone did in the past. For example, if your teen gives a presentation in school, feedback might be, “You spoke clearly” or “You seemed nervous.” While this can be helpful to a point, feedback is often vague or focused on judgment.
Advice, on the other hand, shifts the conversation toward future improvement. Instead of evaluating what your teen did, it offers guidance on how they can do better next time. For instance, “You could slow down a bit when explaining the main points” or “Try practicing in front of a mirror to reduce nerves.” This shift from judgment to future-focused suggestions can help your teen grow rather than feel criticized.
The Problem with Feedback: Why Teens Might Hesitate
Teens often feel self-conscious, especially when they are trying something new or difficult. When they receive feedback, they may interpret it as judgment, making them feel even more insecure. In some cases, they may completely avoid asking for feedback out of fear of hearing something negative. Unfortunately, this can prevent them from learning and improving in the areas that matter most.
As parents, it’s essential to recognize that even though feedback is well-intended, it can sometimes come across as overly critical. For example, when you tell your teen, “You should have studied more for that test,” it might sound like a critique of their effort. However, if you were to say, “Next time, you might find it helpful to create a study schedule to stay on track,” you’re offering advice that focuses on future improvement rather than past shortcomings.
Why Asking for Advice Is More Effective
Research shows that asking for advice instead of feedback can lead to more constructive and specific guidance. In fact, a study conducted at Harvard Business School found that when people were asked for advice rather than feedback, they were more likely to provide detailed suggestions that could help the individual improve. The reason is simple: advice is seen as forward-looking and constructive, while feedback can feel backward-looking and critical.
When teens ask for advice, they’re more likely to receive input that helps them grow. Advice opens the door to constructive conversations about how they can improve, and it helps them feel supported rather than judged. This shift also promotes a mindset of growth, where teens understand that they are not defined by their past performance but by their ability to learn and improve.
Building Confidence by Seeking Advice
One common concern among both teens and adults is that asking for advice might make them appear weak or insecure. However, research has shown that the opposite is true. When teens ask for advice, it demonstrates that they value the opinions and expertise of others, which in turn makes them appear more competent and confident.
For instance, when a teenager asks their teacher, “How can I improve my essay-writing skills?” they are showing a willingness to learn and grow. The teacher is more likely to view the student as dedicated and capable, which can lead to a more supportive relationship. In contrast, if the student asks, “Did I do well on this essay?” the teacher might respond with a vague or overly general comment, leaving the student with little direction for improvement.
Asking for advice is a powerful way to build confidence. It shifts the focus from evaluation to growth, encouraging teens to see themselves as capable of improvement. When they start viewing challenges as opportunities for growth rather than moments of judgment, their confidence will naturally grow.
The Role of Parents in Modelling Advice-Seeking Behaviour
As parents, you are your teen’s first and most influential role model. The way you handle feedback and advice-seeking in your own life will shape how your teen approaches these situations. If you regularly ask for advice and demonstrate a growth mindset, your teen is more likely to adopt these behaviours themselves.
For example, if you’re facing a challenge at work, share it with your teen and explain how you asked a colleague for advice on how to handle the situation. This shows your child that even adults seek guidance and that it’s a normal, healthy part of personal and professional growth.
Additionally, when giving advice to your teen, frame it in a way that promotes growth rather than criticism. Instead of saying, “You didn’t do well in math this semester,” you could say, “It might help to spend a little more time on problem-solving techniques. Would you like some tips on how to practice effectively?” By modelling this approach, you are teaching your teen how to seek advice in a constructive and respectful manner.
How to Encourage Your Teen to Seek Advice
Encouraging your teen to seek advice rather than feedback is a crucial step in their development. Here are a few ways you can help them adopt this mindset:
- Create a Safe Environment: Make sure your teen feels comfortable asking questions and seeking advice at home. Avoid being overly critical or judgmental when they come to you with concerns. Instead, offer guidance in a supportive and non-confrontational manner.
- Promote Growth Mindset: Help your teen understand that mistakes are part of the learning process and that seeking advice is a sign of strength, not weakness. Remind them that everyone, including adults, can always improve and learn.
- Ask for Their Input: Show your teen that advice-seeking is a two-way street. Ask them for their advice on certain matters, whether it’s about a family decision, planning a vacation, or resolving a household issue. This demonstrates that you value their opinion and reinforces the importance of seeking guidance.
- Encourage Questions: Instead of asking your teen, “Did you understand everything in class today?” encourage them to ask questions like, “What part of today’s lesson was the most challenging?” This shifts the focus from evaluation to curiosity and opens the door to deeper conversations about how they can improve.
- Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results: Praise your teen for their willingness to seek advice and make improvements, rather than focusing solely on their results. For example, if they didn’t score as well as they hoped on a test, acknowledge the effort they put into preparing and discuss how they can adjust their study strategies moving forward.
The Long-Term Benefits of Advice-Seeking
When teens learn to seek advice rather than feedback, they develop critical skills that will serve them well throughout their lives. These include:
- Resilience: By focusing on how they can improve rather than how they performed, teens become more resilient in the face of setbacks. They learn that failure is not the end, but a step on the path to growth.
- Problem-Solving: Seeking advice helps teens develop problem-solving skills by encouraging them to think critically about how to overcome challenges. This mindset will help them navigate obstacles in both their academic and personal lives.
- Emotional Intelligence: Asking for advice fosters emotional intelligence by helping teens become more self-aware and empathetic. When they understand that everyone, including themselves, can improve, they become more compassionate toward others.
- Confidence: As teens receive constructive advice and implement it successfully, their confidence grows. They see that they are capable of learning and improving, which boosts their self-esteem.
Shifting the Conversation
As parents, helping your teen shift from seeking feedback to asking for advice can have a profound impact on their development. This simple change encourages a growth mindset, builds confidence, and helps them develop the resilience needed to navigate the challenges of adolescence.
By modelling advice-seeking behaviour and creating an environment where your teen feels safe to ask for guidance, you can set them on a path toward lifelong learning and success. After all, the goal is not just to raise a child who performs well in school, but to raise a young adult who is curious, capable, and confident in their ability to grow.
Today teens are often under immense pressure to perform, this shift in mindset can be a game-changer. Encourage your teen to ask, “How can I improve tomorrow?” rather than “How did I do yesterday?” and watch as they develop the grit and resilience needed to achieve their full potential.
